Relatable Experiences

I tend to often share relatable experiences as a way to connect with friends. As a storyteller and someone who cares a lot about showing up for people, showing solidarity, and being a good friend, it was shocking when a friend told me I always turn conversations towards me. I read through the entire group text we had with 2 other friends, all the way back, for 3 months and definitely do not feel I inappropriately turn conversations back to myself in any way. I make sure people know their story is heard and that I care about the person’s experience. I would always respond to the person first, ask questions, give advice, and might throw in a personal anecdote sandwiched in-between, to keep the conversation interesting and to also show solidarity, to help my friends know they're not alone. I've done so much reflection on this to even consider if there was any truth to what this person was saying but they couldn't give me a single example and when I asked them to provide further information so I can learn and grow from their feedback, they deflected and got very critical of me, eventually totally gaslighting me. Then they ended the conversation by telling me I needed therapy (as if I haven't already been in therapy for years and years) and then she had the audacity to suggest that I was a narcissist and that was why I don't have many friends. Talk about deflection, gaslighting, and reversing the perpetrator / victim. The behavior was so pathological and was almost like out of a narcissist's handbook.

It was like every bad gut feeling about this person just was explained right there in this moment. So here's my take.

If you react to a story, people hear that you heard and cared. If you jump straight into your own story, they don’t get that evidence that you care.

It’s the difference between:

“I went on holiday to Mexico and went surfing”

“That reminds me, two years ago I went on a surfing holiday to Puerto Vallarta. We had an amazing time.”

And

“I went on holiday to Mexico and went surfing.”

“Nice! Two years ago I went on a surfing holiday in Puerto Vallarta. We had an amazing time. How was the trip? Did you get good waves?”

Both examples establish the same shared experience - but the second also demonstrates curiosity and interest in the other person’s life. I know for sure that I'm not a narcissist and in fact I pride myself on being highly empathic. I have been healing from narcissist abuse for quite a long time, so much that I'm now an expert at it, and know exactly why I even attracted a narcissistic friend like this. For someone to tell me I'm narcissistic for occasionally sharing personal anecdotes to try to relate to people is insane. The other two friends also said nothing of this sort when I mentioned to them what the other friend said. Then she accused me of being a bad friend for "creating drama" when the other friend has a child sick with cancer. Look, I didn't ask to be treated like garbage at this time. I'm not to blame just because I'm asking this selfish friend why she's treating me like shit. This friendship has been so insanely one sided from the beginning. Even with gifts, I've given her multiple gifts for her kids birthdays, gave her a baby shower gift, and even for her, like surprising her with a coffee drink delivered one time when we were supposed to hang out but I couldn't make it, when she was postpartum. I even sent a surprise brownie. I then gave her flowers for thanksgiving to show how grateful I was as a friend. Yet she never individually showed me she was grateful besides a status update tagging ALL her friends, to say how grateful she was. She subtly devalued me repeatedly and continually acted passive aggressive towards me while then maintaining this fake caring attitude in the group chat I was in with two other moms. She also made a status saying that her other friend was HERS and a no one else could have her. Like she literally wrote "This is MY TTL, you can't have her. Go get your own" just a day or so after I hung out with her "best friend" that she is insanely possessive over. She would even speak for her friend in the group chat, like answer questions for her. It was super gross and weird. Then when I told her I had formed bonds with the other girls int he group chat, she said it was that I was rubbing it in her face that I was closer to them. I'm in no way closer to them either, and it's strange for her to suggest it. She clearly felt very threatened by me befriending two of her friends.

Letting go of this friendship has literally been the biggest weight lifted off my soul. I literally FEEL happier and lighter. I cannot describe it but ignoring my intuition about this girl from the beginning was a big mistake. I wasted a lot of time pursuing a friendship here. It has made me insanely cognizant about trusting my gut now. If my gut tells me that someone may pathologically lacks empathy, I'm 100% going to trust it now, even if I don't have evidence to explain why or how I know. Sometimes it's just ridiculously subtle clues, like their eyes glazing over when you share about an accomplishment, or when they specifically do not engage with you at any point in time that you are mentioning any goals or aspirations you may have. Almost like they tune out when you talk about anything positive going on in your life. Then the covert subtle passive aggressive behavior of devaluation occurs, with the breadcrumbs thrown out systematically, like you're really just supply to them, not even a true friend. Then the devaluation or silent treatment comes on when they realize they can't control and manipulate you. Soon enough, you just know they hate you but if you approach them about their behavior, you're the one at fault and anything you say will be used against you. This manipulative mean girl clique energy I've been surrounding myself with all year has legit been sickening. I'm SO GLAD to be free from it.